One of the interesting functions provided by my blog service is country by country statistics. Jaron and I are thankful for all of the fans following our journey and reading the weekly progress reports. We love that the 51st state up north is representing really well... Go Doug Wake... C-eh. N-eh. D-eh, all day, every day! However, this week Sarah Palin's neighbors over the Bering Strait over took second spot of readership. To all my new Russian followers... добро пожаловать Ни в какие Жирные Шутки Пожалуйста. I am really sorry about the constant replay of the original Red Dawn on Spike; but who doesn't love Patrick Swayz, Jennifer Grey, and Charlie Sheen as Wyoming freedom fighters. This entry may read slightly disjointed to people who are currently enjoying the life giving force known as carbohydrates. However, those fellow carbohydrate amputees, this will read like doctrine. Yesterday afternoon I received the following series of text from the mad genius.
JBK "Gonna send you a tweak (overhaul) of the current nutrition plan. Hope you like chicken/ground turkey."
JT "Love it"
JBK "I'll have you 'carb cycle' for the final 2 weeks. Gonna be rough days ahead!"
When I first read the text "carb cycle," it conjured up visions of Nilla Wafers Frisbee flying into my pie hole like alien space saucers while sucking down Cherry Punch Halfpipe Fruit Chillers faster than the family assembly line could open them for papa. I could not have been any more wrong.
Lets just say this, Jaron's planned "high carb days" compared to my old life (circa July) wouldn't even make it past the EASY OPEN PULL TAB on the family size Double Stuf Oreo pack. Today's mid afternoon nap was plagued by a dream of me pacing through the grocery store isles screaming at Little Debbie for her oatmeal cookie version of foie gras. If the rent-a-cop had not fish eyed me on my way to the bakery, I might have embarrassed my posterity by paying the nice cookie lady to eat a snickerdootle and describe the taste. AND IT IS ONLY THE FIRST DAY!!!... the first day in the carb cycle of doom. On a bright note in this symphony of misery; I have dropped 30 grape fruits so far. Half dozen to go! This Thanksgiving will be the 10th installment of The Chronicles of a Lost Southerner, which will be the only material substance for yours truly. As I munch on string cheese, green peppers and chicken, I hope my family enjoys their stuffing and pies. It would be great if NicoDerm CQ launched a carbohydrate patch in the next few hours.
DAMN YOU LITTLE DEBBIE AND YOUR SWEET CREAMY FILLING!!!
P.S. Pray for Jaron and I this coming Saturday morning. We are rocking out challenge #3; "20! Push ups: The Valley of Death" (Google fractional and then double the insanity). A free box of Swiss Cake Rolls for the first person, other than Jaron, who can tell me how many push ups that will be.
I think I laughed so hard I spewed my carb laden gin and tonic out my nose reading this! I can't fault ole JT for the carb depleted mad ramblings of the glucose deprived equivalent of a crack fiend in his first 24 hours of rehab. Do I endorse low carb diets? Not remotely. Will I allow Jarvis to pull up lame so close to the finish line? No chance. For the layperson, carb cycling is a trick played on ones metabolism to quickly drop body fat, while protecting lean muscle mass. It is used almost exclusively by pre-competition body builders with iron clad wills. Read: it sucks, and do not try this at home. I basically threw down the gauntlet after reading about the goose egg last week. As a training department manager, I preach to my trainers that their clients are walking talking (...blogging) advertisements for their services. If they are not succeeding, what does that say about our ability to do our job? I am not bad at my job. JT will hit his goal, if I have to come down to Vegas and make him do it. Oh wait, I'll be there in 3 days. Sweeeet! I can't wait to embarrass myself trying this ungodly challenge set. With the exception of a few weak moments, I have successfully avoided exercise for basically 7 months. Don't tell my clients, or nevermind, most of them know. I was reminded today by Jarvis, that a fellow teammate of ours in college would refer to me as "clutch". Saturday is our day of reckoning...we'll see. P.S. for whoever wins Jarvis's Little Debbie bounty, don't be surprised if it shows up as the "holiday 11 pack"!
ReplyDeleteWell played. So very well played. That box of Little Debbies will look like a pack of satanic llama went on a glucose killing spree.
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