The original ODJ (raw and only slightly censored)

United States Department of Justice mandated disclaimer... The following views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of the creator of No Fat Jokes Please, that of the greater literary community, nor the free world.

"I don't always give ribbons for participants, but when I do, it's for the damn winners!"

                                              -The most ODJ man in the world

I can't begin to understand the thought process Ole JT endured to green light a Kraustian blog entry on a family holiday such as Thanksgiving!  The four letter words and spewed vitriol to come would shudder a lesser man!  In middle school, we would salivate at the opportunity to subjugate a substitute teacher to some evil treatment.  Can you imagine having to follow Jimmy Hendrix on stage in the 70's?  Often these subs followed a teacher we liked.  We reveled in our devilish treatment of those poor bastards!  This is how they must have felt.  Following Ole JT, might as well be some local bar reject following Jimmy Hendrix!  Mind you, it was my suggestion, as he will have his hands full with family and his annual reflection known as The Chronicles of a Lost Southerner.   New to the blog, or old guard, you must read this rag, and years past as well.  It's certified A-Plus and then some by yours truly!  Thanksgiving is a day for giving thanks (seems obvious), and I wish to do so today.  What is the ODJ thankful for?  Scotch, cigars, UNLV basketball, good friends, Archer on FX, internet adult entertainment, but most importantly today: This blog!

You see, when I was growing up, I wanted to write.  Despite my best intentions, I excelled at math, not English. I scored a paltry 560 on the verbal section of the SAT (out of a possible 800), saved by my exemplary 790 (same scale) on the math, 1350 total.  Most people would take that bitch to the bank! I felt slighted. Honestly, I was embarrassed to tell my college recruiter my score. I was self-conscious about by my perceived shortcomings. Later I came to learn this was actually really damn good.  See, I am mildly dyslexic. My reading speed back in those days was comical. I didn't even finish the section. In years since, I have taken an LSAT prep course which taught me to speed read. Bet I could pimp slap that test today! But despite my being a former nihilist, turned picaresque bovarist (look them up if you must; I would have had to with my 560 verbal as an 18 year old), I will accept my past shortcomings with grace.

This blog is a revelation.  It gives me the chance to write, but more importantly, it gives me a chance to bugle my bold, and possibly controversial opinions on fitness.  In the past, I have waited eagerly for the next blog post, so much that I would liken my anticipation to that of a meth addict picking at scabs in anticipation of a future fix!  Sometimes Ole JT claims to post when it's really gonna be another day or two.  Prime example, the post after he met his original weight loss goal (December 1, 2012, should have been days earlier).  He sent me a pic of the scale on the day of completion, but the post came days later.  I almost lost my mind on that one waiting for the post!  I got the eye twitch working, some fairly substantial DTs, and quasi-asthmatic hyperventilation working in those 72 hours!  I literally could have died.

Now, I must pull a Frank Costanza and air a few grievances.  You all know you got this coming and I want to hear no bitching...bitches!

Crossfit

I've said a lot in this rag to disparage this abomination to formalized proper exercise, but I recently had a friend hospitalized because of rabdomyolysis from crossfit!  Look it up, but here's the synopsis:  Exercise induced condition where your muscles are so damaged that they leech into the bloodstream and damage the kidneys. This is potentially fatal. 10 years ago this was incredibly uncommon.  Since the advent of crossfit, it has become remarkably common. I have even read blog posts from crossfit cultists bragging about blood in their stools (RHABDO), like it's a badge of honor.  They affectionately call it "Uncle Rhabdo", and are so proud; they seek approval of other cult members, which of course, they get!  What is wrong with these people?!

Fitness Classes

I affectionately refer to fitness classes as "the place where fitness dreams go to die".  That's kind.  Do you know who Shaun T designed Insanity for? Who Tony Horton designed P90X for? ...Shaun T and Tony Horton.  NOT YOU!  If there was one best way to get fit, everyone would do it.  There's not.  Fitness needs to be personalized to have any chance of success.

Running

"I run from bears and cops", excerpt from Achieving ODJ.  But loyal readers from Chechnya know this. I have heard from so many people that "I just need to run to shed the weight".  I...might...explode! I literally can't hear you over the sound of failure. Picture in your mind two runners: a marathon champion (from Kenya, of course), and an Olympic sprinter. Very different body types; right?  One does incessant amounts of solid state cardio, one interval trains at high intensity.  Keeping in mind that one pound of muscle burns 50-75 calories per day at rest, which body do you want?

So I want to thank our readers, even the accidental ones.  I want to thank anyone who has used our advice, or benefitted by our spite laden direction. So, probably just the one of you...

Ultimately, I am thankful to Jarvis Marlow, aka Ole JT, aka J mo'freaking T, and countless other nicknames I shouldn't share here. I hope everyone out there has a Happy Turkey Day!  And for our dwindling Eastern European contingent, Happy random Thursday, comrades!  Wish I could say that you are the blood that fuels this fire, but if you read regularly, you know that would be a load!  We write this despite you.  We appreciate you, but we'll be here long after you are gone.  God speed...