“His cathedral is enough for him. It was peopled with marble figures of kings, saints and bishops who at least did not laugh in his face and looked at him with only tranquillity and benevolence. The other statues, those of monsters and demons, had no hatred for him – he resembled them too closely for that. It was rather the rest of mankind that they jeered at.” ― Victor Hugo, The Hunchback of Notre-Dame
The magic juice flows.
The purple people grows.
Thru the little hole in the arm,
Goes the magic juice of harm.
The gym is an amazing place for people-watching. But it's important to master the art of multiple mirror gazing if you decide to make this an avenue for dealing with a workout's mental time suck. Key point to remember, if you can see the persons eyes they can see yours. And if they've perfected the reverse triangulation technique your duck blind will be exposed.
Multiple mirror gazing is most commonly used to check out hot chicks and abnormally huge dudes. The chicks are accustomed to an awkwardly long peep from men and or jealous women, but the abnormally huge dudes get paranoid when common folk stare to long... It's a Quasimodo trigger, and one of the many side effects to steroid use. (Not really. But who cares? My observations are backed by Dr. Frankenstein himself.)
During one of our many training sessions I turned to Jaron and asked what it would take for me to be huge and ripped liked one of the knuckle draggers. "Steroids!" So simple. Yet so profound of a plural. I'll leave the physiological break down for the professional... he has the iron stomach to tackle purple skin and back acne. SNAIL TRAIL! To make a long story even longer; Jaron said with my body type the best I could achieve is a Matthew McConaughey body in Sahara. A reachable goal if I kept things au naturel. Followed by his favorite McConaughey quote as David Wooderson in Dazed and Confused; "I keep getting older and they stay the same age."
Before I end, it is important that I get something of my chest. I LOATH THE SCALES! That vile, wretched, unforgiving messenger of emotional torment is messing with my mind like a jaded ex-girlfriend. Rhetorical question to the universe: How can I cinch up my belt three holes and only be down six pounds? DEATH TO THE SCALE!
Alright, alright, alright! Let's get down to it. I've always jokingly, referenced the three common male body type goals: Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The first two are realistic goals for us regular Joes, who train clean. The third, is genetically engineered, governmentally banned, and riddled with telltale, unfortunate, and often comical side effects! Many of these side effects are tantamount to urban legend, and exaggerated by rumor and myth. Some are less widely recognized, but all too brutally real. Allow me to chronicle fact from fiction. Acne, particularly body, not always facial...true! It's basically like reliving puberty. I've witnessed zits with their own zits, mostly on shoulders. Trust me, you do not want to use their ab mat...snail trail, yeesh! Hair loss...you betcha. Testosterone production is one of the primary causes of male pattern baldness. Sexual dysfunction, uh huh. Ironically, roids increase libido, while decreasing function. It's like having crippling stage fright, but an insatiable desire to perform. Purple skin, you don't see this often, but it's a dead give away, not for mere use, but for extinction level abuse! Do NOT address the anomaly! Which leads to the most commonly over exaggerated stereotype, rage. While aggression increases are a standard side car to elevated testosterone production, rage is usually inherent to the personality prone to roid abuse. Bit of chicken before egg. Now, before I make mortal enemies of abnormally large men and women with anger issues and obsessive personalities, allow me to acknowledge that steroids have been shown to be largely safe, when used as prescribed. The problem is the personality traits of those who typically choose this illegal route. As if this generation isn't impatient enough, society as a whole, is constantly trying to convince us that ultra fast, ultra dramatic results are realistic with little to no effort. Most of this is hyperbole, obviously, propagated by unscrupulous admen, who are paid ludicrous amounts of cheddar to lie to us, while toeing the line of legal verbiage. Those who choose to cut corners are prone to abuse. "If 50 cc's is good, 500 must be better!". "Why would I cycle off it? Seems like wasted time". To each their own, use, abuse as you will. I will do my best to cast my gaze off no less than 7 mirrors when analyzing your adherence to the aforementioned stereotypes. God speed.
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