Jaron and I recently launched a new business venture to compete with the gluten free equivalent to endurance competitions; the Tough Mudder. We're calling it, "The ODJ: More of a mindset than a cult." Instead of paying $100 dollars to get an ice cube enema and commando crawling through Mother Nature's intestinal fluid with four of your best friends; we're offering a free gauntlet of pointless yuppie accomplishments. Bring your own GoPro to capture a YouTube worthy counter view point to our heavily doctored footage and overly dubbed heckling of your team's performance. (Think, Mysterious Science Theater 3000 meets The Gong Show.)
Google the obstacles we will be featuring; not responsible for any HR or marital troubles the images may bring.
- The Awkward Man-on-Man bear hug relay... a timed event, scored on duration and level of deferred embarrassment.
- Reverse Rio Grande drug mule swim with the optional coyote upgrade.
- Blindfold Roman candle dueling.
- Midget tossing. (so politically incorrect it requires a liability waiver and pre-race sensitivity training.)
- A fun run through Riverside County's meth villages with life-time supply vouchers for Sudafed, Drano, brake fluid and Ether, duct taped to your day-glow metallic jump suit. Them dirt people are attracted to shiny objects.
- (All ties will be settled by the Electronic White Rabbit Kool-Aid Spa Challenge... winner goes to the person who's heart stops last after the radio drops)
Remember folks, a squirrelly person can learn to cope with things like seeing their buddy crawling up a river of pooh with a plastic knife in his teeth, but nobody should be asked to handle this corporate trip. Tough Mudder is what the whole hip world would be doing every Saturday morning if the British had won the war. Union Jacks and poor dental hygiene.
post script... I was trapped in a LAX hotel all last week with crappy food, piss poor work out equipment, and a ton of day dreaming time to work on our new venture.
Yes, the ODJ will be different, a classic affirmation of everything wrong in the disturbingly prevalent "Crossfit" culture. A gross physical salute to the fantastic possibilities of improperly designed exercise. But only for those with true grit, and JT is chock full of that, my friends.
ReplyDeleteThese competitions play as some sadistic combination of mini triathlon (respected athletic competition), military boot camp (basically sustained freshman hazing), and lost frat house bet (I hear goldfish swallowing will be included in next year's races). And people pay to enter?! This is most definitely a commentary on modern society, but I am a little afraid of what that commentary says about us. It's why UFC hasn't punched the clock on their 15 minutes yet, why studios keep green lighting Seth Rogan movies, and why Fox News attracts viewership. I blame Al Gore for inventing the internet. I blame the cult phenomenon, "Faces of Death". I blame Paris Hilton. I blame predictive typing. I blame MTV for not playing "Music" anymore.
Our society is in a tailspin, and it is not the baby boomers to blame. Tangent again, I know. This blog is my relief valve. It helps me to keep my loosely held sanity. Foot gloves and Tough Mudders and their gaining social acceptance are attempting to relieve me of it. There is literally not enough liquor and therapy!